The problems we solve scale. Often times a problem feels too big to tackle. Unaddressed these matters pushed aside can become a prison that over time closes in on us until the metaphorical air grows thin and we literally begin to lose clarity of thought. This point of our lives can be compared to being imprisoned. For me if I think back to any time in my life I have experienced a sense of being imprisoned, whether it is having been grounded as a child, strapped into a hospital bed for 6 weeks or in military basic training; the perceived loss of freedom and mounting frustration feels very much the same as when perceiving being trapped in a life situation. I think of the factors that construct this situational prison around me at these times as my repressers. While a represser is commonly a person, such as a relative, spouse, a co-worker, manager or acquaintance, they
Sometimes we just need to get away from existing circumstances
can also be memories or emotions and fears, real or imaginary.As in the real world, escapes from our metaphorical prisons are most commonly pain motivated. A sense of not being able to take anymore, or having nothing left to lose is usually the driving force behind taking on the previously insurmountable barriers so effectively contrived by our repressers. So also like the real world prison, not having a plan for continuing on once outside the walls will soon find us back in the same prison before we are even fully aware it is happening.
When we feel stuck in life we often externalize our imprisoning factors and relinquish control to them until the pain of doing so becomes greater than the risk of overcoming those factors. I have seen over and over again where people escape their life prisons only to end up right back where they were, or worse. I attribute this to people only overcoming the first of four necessary steps to fully get beyond our self imposed “prisons.”
Real growth, and not just situational relief, is a four phase process, and never actually ends. These phases in summary are:
- Escape - Liberating one’s self from their repressors.
- Recovery - Growing beyond the influences of past repressions.
- Discovery - Becoming self aware of one’s own values, needs and wants beyond the influence of external forces.
- Pursuit - Moving forward in life, beyond enfeebled repressers, in pursuit of goals born of one’s own unique identity.
In a bit more detail:
Escape is the act of extracting ourselves from whatever circumstances are holding us back and preventing an effective pursuit of our fullest life. Escape is generally going to be pain motivated as an act of running from something. It is often said that the we should always run toward a goal and not be running away from anything. Sometimes running away is enough. Sometimes we just need to get away from existing circumstances in order catch a breath, regroup and figure out the rest of our path forward. Escape does not have to be a black or white action steeped in drama. If for example one feels trapped in a difficult relationship or a dead end job; jumping up, packing bags or emptying the desk to just escape in the moment is unlikely to be effective at anything more than temporary relief. A spontaneous break to plan for a larger change and line up help to support transition to the next phase can however; be very effective. Escaping without develpoing a plan is simply running away.
Recovery is the healing that comes after our escape. Recovery is a period of learning. Recovery is when we learn about the aspects of self that created the situation we escaped. “Aspects of self” is essential to an effective recovery. Unless we are contemplating previous events to better understand our current state and best effect change, contemplating what we cannot change, like the past or the perspectives and attitudes of others, is no more effective than trying to fly a rock as a kite. Any other contemplation of the unchangeable is a waste of valuable energy. Recovery is when we make changes to our own perspectives, attitudes and habits to effect a stabilizing life balance that prevents re-occurrence of the imprisoning circumstances we escaped. Recovery establishes a nondestructive status quo.
One cannot move forward seeing the world anew if they remain committed to doing what they always have from perspectives they've always had.
The previous two phases end with that momentary pause where the momentum of having been shot out of the cannon fades. This is the point we must spread our wings and continue our flight forward by new means for entirely different types of purpose. While goals are certainly an aspect of the early cycle phases, in those phases we are primarily motivated to eliminate pain from our lives. Lifting repressive burdens applied by our repressors can feel like rapture, it is however a moment in time. The next phases are about moving forward and making peace with life that we may move more deeply into knowing its treasures. The old tools to bring us to this moment will fall away to new approaches, new perspectives. One cannot move forward seeing the world anew if they remain committed to doing what they always have from perspectives they've always had.
If recovery is about learning the aspects of self that perpetuated pain and altering those aspects to close those doors, discovery then is learning what in our lives brings us joy and opening those doors. For many, a critical constant in this phase is giving ourselves permission to to be ourselves, permission to feel joy that is unique and specific to ourselves. We are pack animals by nature. Spending time with a well defined group can be validating and supportive. Inordinate commitment to a nebulously defined public can strip one of their individuality. Two key factors of discovery are, in this order:
Giving yourself permission to honestly explore your unique joys and desires.
Purposefully assessing what in life truly brings you joy and peace.
Pursuit - Giving yourself permission to experience and enjoy those self discoveries. At this point of our cycle the repressors exist only in our own minds. We have escaped them and learned what in ourselves opened the doors for them to be a part of our lives. We have closed those doors. These things are true by definition or we would still be in the early phases. It is here in Pursuit that we remove the repressors from our mental and emotional gateways to paths that are uniquely ours and we enjoy. This is when we are again the child that lets go of the proverbial coffee table to stand on our own for the first time. This is when we again put curiosity and desire ahead of fear and inhibition.
Once one moves through these phases and embraces their outcomes they will have laid claim to that aspect of their life that was once denied them by their repressors. The more areas of life addressed in this process the greater ownership we have in the entirety of life and the less dependent we become on the whims and influences of others. It is an iterative process and each successful iteration brings with it a greater stability of peaceful existence far more resilient and persistent than the momentary jubilation of being without burden so often confused with being happy.
Journey on ...